Learning to Respond Rather than React
Recently, I got into a fight with someone - which is a big thing for me - because like so many of you, I try to keep the peace. However, there is one individual in my life that tests my patience and offers me the opportunity to learn challenging lessons on a regular basis. They trigger everything ugly inside of me that usually lies dormant to stir. My mantra surrounding this person is “do not engage” because I’ve learned through experience that anything I try to offer will never be right. I keep my head down, I try not to make contact, and I keep my conversations clipped. Like many of us that interact with tricky people, this isn’t a relationship I would choose for myself, but it is one that I cannot currently escape from.
On this particular occasion, I decided to stand up for myself over something that I would normally let go of (as part of my “do not engage” mantra). But I decided to hold my ground and push back this time. I knowingly poked that bear. Of course, it spiraled into a big thing, one with raised voices and crying involved. However, as it was happening, I began to detach and observe our argument from a difference place. I felt my heart racing in response to my anger, I held my tongue at moments when I would previously lash out, and I articulated my responses very carefully. As I watched this person’s mind unravel, I realized that our argument was much deeper than anything we were actually discussing. I realized that I triggered them to react in this way. By standing up for myself and holding my ground, I took away their control and vindication that they desperately require.
After the altercation, our relationship seemed almost instantaneously better. We were able to come back to a normal discussion and relay what each person needed in that moment and moving forward from each other. I noticed that our fight was a cathartic release for them. As shitty as it is to be on the receiving end of someone’s hostility, I can understand that this person needed to lash out in order to release some of their tension and frustrations. Even though nobody (hopefully) wants to fight, I do have to say it was a pretty astonishing learning experience.
My main takeaways from this uncomfortable lesson:
Practice your ability to respond to what’s being said rather than to react to what’s being said, especially in arguments. Can you allow yourself a moment to understand what’s being spoken before answering? This quick moment of reflection keeps you from attacking the person in the same way that it may feel like they are attacking you. By responding to what they say (rather than reacting), you are having a conversation rather than an argument.
There is always time to take a deep breath, or to walk away from the person or situation to calm down again. This is a quick way to not let your emotions rule you and to help de-escalate the situation.
Sometimes people just like to argue for the sake of arguing. They know everything about everything, their opinion will never change, nothing you can ever say/do will be right, and it’s not worth using your breath and your energy to fight with someone like that. Smile and walk away.
Sometimes, it can be more them than you. They have more going on in their lives than they know how to handle and they don’t know how to release that energy appropriately or in a healthy way. Their mental health toolbox may be more limited, and as a result, they don’t know how to feel better or how to be better to themselves and others. What you did to trigger them is likely much deeper and more complex than the actual trigger. Sometimes our minds are just in a toxic place and if someone doesn’t know how to get out of their head, then the thoughts just ruminate and get worse. This person likely needs help more than anything.
As an extra challenge: How can you support them better in a way that also doesn’t harm yourself? How can you learn to adapt to work with this person? Are they receptive to help and are you willing to offer that help?
This offers us a chance to take a step back and do a deep dive on ourselves and our own triggers. Notice why you are the way that you are. How is your reality reflected back to you? What triggers your anger, your anxiety, your fears? What is the actual root? Is it from a past trauma, your childhood, a bad experience? Are you willing to sit with that discomfort and let it go so that it won’t affect you again in the future? Can you sit with your shadow side and look objectively (without any judgement or expectations) at your own life and how you treat others? Is there anything that you’d like to change or do better?
Most importantly to remember: this person is Source in expression! We are all souls from the same Source. There is only the “story” standing between you and this individual. Try to see with the eyes of the soul and go beyond the story. This doesn’t mean that you need to agree with the story, just attempt to go beyond it. Ask Spirit for help: set your intention to only allow light to permeate your field so that no negativity is allowed to come into your energetic space. I also like to picture light coming into my body from my crown to heal and clear my chakras, then I imagine myself zipping my energetic body back up like a sleeping bag, so that nothing negative can affect the healing energy that has filled my being.
The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are. - Henry Cloud
